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I miss the comfort in being sad. -Nirvana, Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle

I’ve stopped counting how many days it has been since my last bout of depression. This is a first for me. You see, I know that life is great and that I should never have to be sad again, but this is not how depression works. My biggest fear, now, is whether the depression will come at a time that means I don’t receive the joy I deserve.

Depression is extremely lonely, and can only have one person at a time to consume. In my lifetime, I’ve had 3 week-long disabling episodes, or three day stretches of blank stares. I’m lucky that I have a supportive family, and a few medications that help me live a normal life–even during a depressive episode.

In the multitude of years that I’ve suffered with depression, I have finally learned most of the triggers; many of them I cannot avoid even though I know of them. For example, occurrences that trigger depression for me are living, breathing, eating, not eating, laughing, talking, smiling, crying, walking and talking….to name some.

The best way I can describe depression is being the closest to death you can possibly be without actually dying. So, no, I can’t just turn it off. It’s something I never get used to; there’s a feeling of desperation that runs so deep when it visits me.

So, when you see me wide-eyed and laughing one day, and down the next–that’s being human. However, when you can’t see ME no matter how long you speak with me, or see me, that’s depression. And, it’s quite sad that I’m feeling slightly uncomfortable because I’m not feeling depression right now….

photo credit: David Masters via photopin cc

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