It’s difficult for me to give up on anything; in fact, a great driving force of mine to never give up and to be persistant in obtaining what I feel that I deserve. But, I’m learning that in the real world, outcomes are not always founded by our own thoughts and feelings–it is also a product of what the world, and others in it, are willing for us to have. Who knows what exists in the cards, when we are all living ghosts, hiding behind brightly designed mosiac sheets of hopes, dreams, worries and confidences.
To clarify, I wouldn’t say that I actually give up–ever. What I would say is, I do not always persist with certain things, which in effect, means sort of the same thing. I can remember years and years ago, I was invited to a birthday party. At the time, the huge craze was the Treasure Troll dolls. My grandmother took me out to buy one for my friend’s birthday days in advance. I thought it was the most wonderful thing ever, even stared at it for days. I wanted it, but never asked for it because I didn’t believe I could get it. I, personally, had no money, and there was no special occassion nearing, etc. Yes, it was just a toy, but bear in mind that as a child, a toy is much more than a what we see as an adult. The point I’m trying (terribly) to make, is that what I tend to do is assume because I think I have the answer–I give up before I start because I feel I know what the result will be.
I believe I have a brave heart, quite a silent mouth, but screaming eyes. A lot of my friends say that they see a lot through my eyes, and the expression around them. I feel that I can be a poorly designed coin, where each half of the other side is joined–both sides being a bit of both. I’m quite reserved in some respects, and overly outspoken in others. I’m shy, yet can be overly confident. I’m sensitive, yet tough. I have a lot of faith, but not a lot of trust. I’m content with myself, but always dislike it when people believe they know me and do not. But when it comes to giving up, it’s always out of fear. I still have a lot of that. I still don’t want to be hurt and am prone to it, I believe, due to how I believe how our God intended me to be.
If you have not ever felt love, you cherish it like a miracle. If it’s at your feet, you assume it always will be. I believe a lot of people take things for granted and assume that what they do have will always be there. For example, those that have the women and men on each arm, maybe enjoy that now, but what happens when real life sets in? What happens when you lose confidence to age? Love a relative–don’t assume they will always be there–I learned that they do leave in a moment you felt comfortable while thinking of other things. Don’t live out of fear; live greatly out of appreciation.
These things I don’t assume, because I know that there are many things I (we) do not know. It is with great hurt that I think of many occurances in my life I gave up out of assumption, and how I know of many that I am close to that choose never to move towards the things they gave up on, but still need them. We have a lot of experience in life already, but some things we can’t always describe or be any older than 8-years-old in responding to. Some things we are all children to, never able to fully conquer. In retrospect, just like heaven isn’t a given, neither are the realities of our life experiences.
For all of us, what are we giving up on because we fear failure, embarrassment, etc.? What do you not have because that has been your way of life? By me asking this, I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out–I don’t. I’m just like you, fearing the same reactions. Funny how so many of us want the same things, we all are afraid of trying, and how we only ban together because we understand the failure…..
I gave up on a few things this week that no one will even be able to recognize through my eyes. And, just like some of you, I will wonder the ifs, buts, and whys, and we will all feel loses that others are not even aware of. We are ghosts; haunting because we are haunted–giving up on being fully seen because we are scared we will become invisible.