Hindsight, it’s almost dangerous. When we contemplate it, the rear-view always seems clear, and so it should. I believe that as human beings, we are built to love, strive to understand, and when we cannot we falter within ourselves.
Regret, nearly as damaging. We spend so much time wishing we had not done, that instead we do not do.
We are creatures of habit and luxury; we want to know what comes next but wish it to change when that does happen. These things do not mean we are overly flawed. On the contrary, it is what makes us human; perfectly imperfect.
I spent many years of my life wanting to understand actions and words, broken promises, other’s addictions. As an adult, with an even older soul, I now realize that all those behaviors that seemed selfish were anything but. Those with addiction and hatred do need, like everyone else, but believe they cannot ever have what they search for. Those that break promises are afraid to fail. Those that abuse can’t bruise their own souls enough to feel and must have someone else hurt instead.
I worry when I meet a perfect person. I am puzzled when I know of a person that is so well crafted that they cannot even have an imperfection seep through their mouth or eyes. I believe that out of insecurities and experiences that each of us tucks our faults in our pocket but forget to check it hasn’t peeked out from behind the cloth.
In 31 ½ years I have not let go of any dreams, nor have I forgotten my misfortunes. They have both grown and multiplied, but I cannot say I am ever overwhelmed. Life has taught me that having aspirations is a gift, a breath that gives us a second wind when memories and experiences hurt us. With each dream I expand, I become more, and let my faults wave out of my pocket a little because there is so much more for me to see. I don’t tuck in my faults. I make them comfortable and as their life comes to an end a new one evolves.
I’d rather do that than help the original pains grow into their own being and leave me behind their ill spotlight. It is through grace that I forgive, through experience that I now know, through dreams that I move forward, and through acceptance that my true surprises are limited to the good things in life. To clarify, I am not saying that everyone should accept the bully, the abuser, the constant misfortunes, etc. What I am saying is that much of what we face after these experiences is internal and about working through these experiences ourselves. I am saying that with what we are unable to change, and when memories cause us not to live, it is time to find yourself again and become the old you plus some. It’s okay to reinvent yourself. It’s okay to accept that the reason things happen to us is sometimes not about us at all. However, our experiences can help others…and maybe that is why some of us go through certain things…maybe no other reason than to help another get to the same conclusion.
If you don’t believe that, that is okay. But what does it hurt for me to believe that, or for another to pass grief by helping another through it? Isn’t that the foundation of what we all should portray and live like? That is my dream–to make a difference. And as I said before, these aspirations give me a second wind to show someone else how to find theirs. I don’t think that is a bad aspiration to have. In fact, it seems almost magical to me.