2013: The year of four-way streets, unmarked roads I chose to take, new scenery, and open doors. I want to share things that I feel I have positively accomplished.
Lessons I’ve learned:
- Fake it ’till you make it. Throughout the first years of my children’s lives I didn’t socialize much. I realize now that it was the fear of rejection. I relied on myself and didn’t even do that very well. I nurtured my depression, instead of cultivating happiness. In 2013, I got out there, I opened up, I shared a lot, I took chances. I trusted. Some I trusted I shouldn’t have, but it was more of a journey about me that I was able to do so.
- Raise your internal voice and people will listen. 2013 marked the first poetry reading that I was true to my own voice. I stopped looking for commas, and started looking for what was unique in me. In somewhat of irony, when I stopped being as critical about things, some stepped up and did it for me. I realize that people do that in order to not focus on themselves. (That’s a whole other lesson I learned years ago).
- Challenge yourself daily. I’m tough on myself. I tell everyone that they do not need to tell me off for a thing, because chances are I have already punished myself. I have learned to accept that I will fail, but also that it takes failure to reach earned success.
- It’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes I’ve hidden how I felt about things in order to appease others. This ALWAYS backfires. I give myself time to grieve, think, process and lock myself indoors away from the world if I need to. I don’t apologize as much; I used to apologize for everything, even if were because sun wasn’t out!
- Create boundaries. I know when to walk away. I now understand my insecurities and when I’m not being treated fairly. I do feel anger sometimes (which I believe can be healthy as long as it is not acted out) and channel it in healthy ways. I even recently quit an event because I needed to create a boundary between myself and some negativity within it.
- Boundaries are different than running away. I used to run away. I used to think that if I left one abusive relationship, that was all I needed to do was solve the problem. Mentally, I ran further than any legs could. However, I now see that healthy boundaries are different, and they are a necessity for me. I make decisions, daily, that seem strange; The decisions may not be the one others would make, but my job in life is to create happiness for the children I created, and in order to do that I must take care of myself.
- Again, it’s okay to not be okay. I’m not always okay. I’m sensitive, and a child at heart. I no longer hide what is true inside. If I have to, I would not be following #1-6.
What have you learned this year?
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/alia_qunhua/3623181050/”>~Alia~</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>
© 2013 Angela M. Carter Poetry.